Communicating Authentically

I’ve  been reading the book, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger by Soraya Chemaly, and it’s got me somewhat pissed off. Not at the book, but at what it’s made me realize. For the whole of my life so far, I’ve been gaslighted into believing my anger has been unhealthy and unreasonable. I realize now that my anger has always been an imminently healthy and entirely reasonable response to whatever I was going through, which was often severe trauma that was ignored or dismissed.

My father died when I was six. I was small for my age and had a lazy eye. I was terrible at sports. I tried so hard, but many kids were horrible to me, especially in middle school. 

My mom remarried and moved across the country when I was 15, and for six months I lived with my brother and his wife. They weren’t unkind, but it wasn’t like they wanted me there. Then, a couple years later, after moving from New England to Southern California, my stepfather died. I was just starting to like him.

I was often an angry little girl, an angry teenager, an angry young adult. I may not have been emotionally aware enough to say, “Hey, I’m upset because I don’t have a dad, or the kids at school are being really mean to me, or my whole life was just turned upside-down – again,” so I lashed out to draw attention in other ways. And every time, someone told me it was inappropriate. It’s not ladylike to be angry, or to yell, stomp around, slam doors, etc. What I heard was that my feelings were wrong; that I didn’t have the right to those emotions — which only made me angrier.

Of course being angry is never the best way to approach problems, but that’s not the point. Anger is not a solution, but a sign that something is off-balance or unfair. Just because life isn’t fair doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to be angry when we are the victims of injustice.

Anger has a bad rap, but it is actually one of the most hopeful and forward thinking of all our emotions. It begets transformation, manifesting our passion and keeping us invested in the world. It is a rational and emotional response to trespass, violation, and moral disorder. It bridges the divide between what ‘is’ and what ‘ought’ to be, between a difficult past and an improved possibility. Anger warns us viscerally of violation, threat, and insult.

– Soraya Chemaly, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger

Anger makes shit happen. As a child, I knew that, which was why I acted out. Something isn’t right here. Why aren’t you helping me?

If anyone had ever said, “Hey, love, I see you’re upset. Tell me what’s bothering you.” I may have learned to separate my anger from the situation and give voice to the root causes. But I was never given the chance to learn how to deal with my anger constructively.

I don’t blame anyone for this. I wish I had known this sooner, for my daughter’s sake. But when I was young, it was the way things were and sadly, still often are. Women and girls aren’t supposed to display anger. They’re supposed to acquiesce quietly and demurely. Boys may receive discipline when they act inappropriately, but they typically receive much more leeway, and many more choices in terms of dealing with angry feelings. They aren’t shut down immediately, or punished for those feelings, as girls like me so often were/are. It was the system in which we were raised — and what better way to ensure that women never protest unjust treatment than to convince them that it made them unattractive and undesirable?

It took me too long to realize that the people most inclined to say ‘You sound angry’ are the same people who uniformly don’t care to ask ‘Why?’ They’re interested in silence, not dialogue. This response to women expressing anger happens on larger and larger scales: in schools, places of worship, the workplace, and politics. A society that does not respect women’s anger is one that does not respect women—not as human beings, thinkers, knowers, active participants, or citizens.

– Soraya Chemaly, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger

And women who haven’t meekly complied were outcasts, historically branded as witches. It’s no wonder many women took to “casting spells” or coming up with alternative ways of making things happen. That anger’s got to go somewhere. If you don’t let it out, it creates health problems: there is a strong correlation between illness and repressed anger.

I always assumed I had a bad temper. The truth is I have acute anxiety, because I’ve gone through some shit. Now that it’s being treated, I operate at a much more even keel. When I do become angry, I can identify the reason and decide how to manage it. That may involve a heart-to-heart talk with someone after I’ve calmed down. It may involve some self-care to see things more clearly. It may involve a strongly-worded email to someone in a position to change things. It may involve a group of like-minded individuals stirring the cauldron.

The women I admire most—those who have looked to themselves and the limitations and adversities that come with our bodies and the expectations that come with them—have all found ways to transform their anger into meaningful change. In them, anger has moved from debilitation to liberation. 

Your anger is a gift you give to yourself and the world that is yours. In anger, I have lived more fully, freely, intensely, sensitively, and politically. If ever there was a time not to silence yourself, to channel your anger into healthy places and choices, this is it.

– Soraya Chemaly, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger

I’m grateful to all my sisters in the craft, past, present and future, who have channeled their anger toward the pursuit of justice. We’ve got a long way to go, but by channeling our anger into our intentions, we have an amazing amount of power, and every right in the world to wield it.

Sisters, we fly!

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